Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
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It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
it must be school picture day
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.