@ThugRaccoons

Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned

My kids:

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@thegreatnanak

Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.

@birbigs

Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.

@That_Damn_Duck

Superman is depressed because he has to change in dirty gas station bathrooms since the telephone booth is now extinct.

Poor Superman.

@tastefactory

Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”

@Darchstar078

My bank called me today to alert me my card was used for a gym membership and they doubted it was legit because they see where I go to eat.

@Heldinchains

The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy

@Sickayduh

In the future, our grandchildren will ask why skyscrapers skip the 45th floor.

@StinkyGr33n

All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:

Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”

@fro_vo

[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi