Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
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5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.