Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned

My kids:

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Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.


Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.


Superman is depressed because he has to change in dirty gas station bathrooms since the telephone booth is now extinct.

Poor Superman.


Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”


My bank called me today to alert me my card was used for a gym membership and they doubted it was legit because they see where I go to eat.


The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy


In the future, our grandchildren will ask why skyscrapers skip the 45th floor.


All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:

Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”


[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi