Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
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The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
Print is alive and well!!!
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”