ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
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Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.