Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
You Might Also Like
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
Before crowbars crows drank alone
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.