Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
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[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”