Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
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Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
The Book. The Movie.
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me