Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
You Might Also Like
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
Happy Febuary everyone!
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot