Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
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ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist