the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
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Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
HR: We鈥檝e noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That鈥檚 odd
me: I just don鈥檛 think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
an edibles food truck and i鈥檇 call it the cannabus.
my wife鈥檚 divorce lawyer: why don鈥檛 we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don鈥檛 know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
i’ve had this nightmare before 馃槺
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I鈥檓 having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies