@rebrafsim
@NJFreudian
I think twitter is the Malaysian plane of the internet. No one on here has been seen by their family in weeks.
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@NJFreudian
@VodkaThursday
What I learned from watching Star Trek: Nothing. I’ve never watched Star Trek. I am popular with friends. We don’t do that.
@supermarkusa
I was just at a restaurant and they yelled out order 867 so I yelled out 5309 and absolutely nobody laughed, how does nobody find this funny?
@exitthelemming
Favourite diary entry ever
@IRLPepperMD
*sees spider in the shower*
Oh jeez I’m sorry lock the door next time buddy
@ShrinkMedia
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
@bea_ker
“Did you guys see me get so mad I flipped a table?”
Yes Tony, we saw it. You’re 46. You have to stop taking your skateboard to restaurants.
@whereami18
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
@MissColdHeart9
I’ve completely changed my eating habits this week, so if I call you bad names, you’ve been forewarned.
@meganamram
The reason football players wear helmets is to stop them from kissing