@rebrafsim

Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11

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@NJFreudian

I think twitter is the Malaysian plane of the internet. No one on here has been seen by their family in weeks.

@VodkaThursday

What I learned from watching Star Trek: Nothing. I’ve never watched Star Trek. I am popular with friends. We don’t do that.

@supermarkusa

I was just at a restaurant and they yelled out order 867 so I yelled out 5309 and absolutely nobody laughed, how does nobody find this funny?

@IRLPepperMD

*sees spider in the shower*
Oh jeez I’m sorry lock the door next time buddy

@ShrinkMedia

My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.

@bea_ker

“Did you guys see me get so mad I flipped a table?”

Yes Tony, we saw it. You’re 46. You have to stop taking your skateboard to restaurants.

@whereami18

A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do

@MissColdHeart9

I’ve completely changed my eating habits this week, so if I call you bad names, you’ve been forewarned.

@meganamram

The reason football players wear helmets is to stop them from kissing