Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
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The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
what the hell pray for carter everyone
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”