If you have a family member you that you never want to see again, loan them some money.
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
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My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
Me: I wish all prime numbers were sex numbers
Me: how many wishes do I have left?
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.