Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter: my shift ends at 11

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I think twitter is the Malaysian plane of the internet. No one on here has been seen by their family in weeks.


What I learned from watching Star Trek: Nothing. I’ve never watched Star Trek. I am popular with friends. We don’t do that.


I was just at a restaurant and they yelled out order 867 so I yelled out 5309 and absolutely nobody laughed, how does nobody find this funny?


*sees spider in the shower*
Oh jeez I’m sorry lock the door next time buddy


My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.


“Did you guys see me get so mad I flipped a table?”

Yes Tony, we saw it. You’re 46. You have to stop taking your skateboard to restaurants.


A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do


I’ve completely changed my eating habits this week, so if I call you bad names, you’ve been forewarned.


The reason football players wear helmets is to stop them from kissing