Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter: my shift ends at 11

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You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”


I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.


Me: I wish all prime numbers were sex numbers

Genie: done

Me: how many wishes do I have left?

Genie: 2

Me: nice


My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.


I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers

Me, flirting


Me: how was school?

Son: I cried today.

Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.

Son: and I peed on my teacher.

Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.

Wife: stop.