@rebrafsim
@shkeeber
If you have a family member you that you never want to see again, loan them some money.
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@shkeeber
@ADDiane
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
@meganamram
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
@LukeErd
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
@Robert_Beau
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
@refreshingslurp
Me: I wish all prime numbers were sex numbers
Genie: done
Me: how many wishes do I have left?
Genie: 2
Me: nice
@_sweet_ham
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
@heyitsJudeD
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
@daddydoubts
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.