ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
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Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that