ME: You could cut the tension with a knife


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Something you may have in your house right now could be killing your children. We’ll tell you about it in 2 days.

– Local News


Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now


“I have to go eat cake now”, should be a perfectly valid reason for leaving a social occasion where cake has not been provided.


WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life

ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same


Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”

If she says yes, you can sit where she was.


I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.


The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.


My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.