@funflaps

ME: You could cut the tension with a knife

CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t

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@TheMichaelRock

Something you may have in your house right now could be killing your children. We’ll tell you about it in 2 days.

– Local News

@shopkins776

Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now

@soulindivision

“I have to go eat cake now”, should be a perfectly valid reason for leaving a social occasion where cake has not been provided.

@rockymomax

WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life

ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same

@BiscuitFloater

Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”

If she says yes, you can sit where she was.

@MummaCrazy

I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.

@STEELERS1972

The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.

@silent_musings

My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.