Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
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Help with the chores. #WhatCatsDoWhileWeSleep
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
7: I didn’t do my homework
Me: why not?
7: they told us to write about the new president
7: you told me not to cuss
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
her: you look nice
barber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too