Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”

Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”

Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”

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HER: I just put the baby down for his nap

ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex



I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.


Me: If you love them, let them go

*releases third child into nearby forest preserve*


*Snowman wakes up in hospital*

“What happened to me?!”

Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?


LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.


*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?


My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.


I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.


Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.