Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
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Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.