Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
You Might Also Like
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
How animals would run if they were human
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.