Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
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Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
How does one answer this?
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
looks legit
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s