ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
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My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.