ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
You Might Also Like
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho