MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
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Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.