Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
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Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
oh no, steve’s working tonight