Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
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flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ