Me: you feel like doing something?

Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill

Me: maybe after the killing then

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Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.


Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please

Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store

Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please


(Watching Planet Earth)

DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day

ME: hooray I wanted this

DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies

ME: Oh no why did I want this


[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?


If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.


Autocorrect changed impervious to I’m perviest and now I’m blocked.


There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.


Maybe if we start the ‘Read a Book Challenge’ we can raise awareness for stupidity.


My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.


What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?