@BoogTweets

Me: you feel like doing something?

Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill

Me: maybe after the killing then

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@RobDenBleyker

Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.

@MarfSalvador

Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please

Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store

Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please

@spies_please

(Watching Planet Earth)

DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day

ME: hooray I wanted this

DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies

ME: Oh no why did I want this

@Playing_Dad

[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?

@OrangeFact

If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.

@tsm560

Autocorrect changed impervious to I’m perviest and now I’m blocked.

@Tylerosis

There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.

@Sarcasticsapien

Maybe if we start the ‘Read a Book Challenge’ we can raise awareness for stupidity.

@BigHeb7

My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.

@TheIntComShow

What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?