9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
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This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.