Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.

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A salesman knocked on my door today.

“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.

I said, “My next door neighbour.”


Studies show that people who start a sentence with “studies show…” have no clue what they’re talking about


The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.


Me: Will you-
Hubs: No
Me: Can you-
Hubs: Nope
Me: Are you-
Hubs: Oh no
Me: Sex?
Hubs: Yes
Me: Oh hell no…..

Communication is important.


I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.


That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??


Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..


My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.


You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.