Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.

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Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.


My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,


My mom asked where the remote was and my son told her it was up her ass. She high-fived him and then turned around and slapped me.


I promise, I’m only gonna have 2 beers tonight…. 2 beers in dog beers


Forest fires are caused by dragons accidentally sneezing near a tree.

They’re very embarrassed about it and that’s why we never see them


My SO – Do you like it dirty?
My SO – Do you like it wet
Me: MM Hm
My SO – Here is a towel, do the dishes.
Me: Whispers safe word


Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]


The wife just walked out of the store with bags and didn’t notice me standing here. Maybe I need to put 75% off on my T-shirt