@krisv_723

Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.

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@causticbob

A salesman knocked on my door today.

“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.

I said, “My next door neighbour.”

@Parker_Simpson

Studies show that people who start a sentence with “studies show…” have no clue what they’re talking about

@Home_Halfway

The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.

@amazymay72x

Me: Will you-
Hubs: No
Me: Can you-
Hubs: Nope
Me: Are you-
Hubs: Oh no
Me: Sex?
Hubs: Yes
Me: Oh hell no…..

Communication is important.

@mela_shea

I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.

@Reverend_Scott

That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??

@angeliav68

Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..

@3sunzzz

My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.

@GibJimson

You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.