ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK

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*drinking water without ice*
This must be what it feels like to be in prison.


[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]


ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.


Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?

Me: Yeah, so?

Him: There’s one small piece left.

Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.


Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.


Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.


I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.


Folks who voted no on impeachment technicly voted yes on peachment