I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
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Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.