@batkaren

ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK

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@buhsbaby_baby

*drinking water without ice*
This must be what it feels like to be in prison.

@SentenceReduced

[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]

@momjeansplease

ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.

@WineMummy

Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?

Me: Yeah, so?

Him: There’s one small piece left.

Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.

@nonchalantnacho

Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.

@ArtIsMyPorn

Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.

@boredbostonian

I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.

@Nedsfeed

Folks who voted no on impeachment technicly voted yes on peachment