Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
Me: Get dressed, please.
Me: Please get dressed.
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
Me: Put your clothes on.
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!

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Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.


Me: *texts* How’d you sleep?

Him: *texts* Horrible…I was tossing and turn-

Me: *crawls out from under his bed* I KNOW, YOU POOR THING.


friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass

[later at thanksgiving dinner]

aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?

me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it


I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.

Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.


[digging through lost and found]

Target employee: What are you trying to find?

Me: My son


[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta


A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.


What’s up, girl? Do you like bad boys [kicks rug] or good guys [fixes rug]?


My poem: I dig, you dig, we dig, she dig, he dig, they dig.
It’s not a very good poem, but it’s very deep.


All good students of Astrology drop out midway after they learn enough to find out. 🙂