Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
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I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.