Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
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the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.