“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
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My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
Double negatives are never not confusing.
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.