@StarksWeek

Me: “you hang up”
Her: “no you hang up”
Me: “no you hang up”
Her: “no y-”
Jail clerk: “sir, you only get one phone call.”

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@Goofpoops

Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments

@CelebrityChez

Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, your pets in tupperware, your grandad in a crockpot and your mother in law in a ziplock bag.

@panmidwest

[interview to be a valet]

me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker

interviewer: you’re hired

@Mr_Kapowski

Betsy Ross: “Let’s put some happy little stars in a circle on the flag”

Many years later, an heir of hers, Bob, would say something similar

@aparnapkin

Have you ever heard someone honking so aggressively & for so long that you’re like “this was never about the traffic, was it, buddy?”

@Iwriteforcats

MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.

Baffled by bra hooks.

@AimeeHelene1

(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.

(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.

@FloodyHippie

I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.

@ComedicBust

*On my Deathbed*

Me: Tell Tac.. *cough*

Wife: What sweetie? Tell who what?!

Me: Tell Taco Bell their cheese to lettuce ratio is way off..