Me: “you hang up”
Her: “no you hang up”
Me: “no you hang up”
Her: “no y-”
Jail clerk: “sir, you only get one phone call.”

You Might Also Like


Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments


Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, your pets in tupperware, your grandad in a crockpot and your mother in law in a ziplock bag.


[interview to be a valet]

me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker

interviewer: you’re hired


Betsy Ross: “Let’s put some happy little stars in a circle on the flag”

Many years later, an heir of hers, Bob, would say something similar


Have you ever heard someone honking so aggressively & for so long that you’re like “this was never about the traffic, was it, buddy?”


Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.

Baffled by bra hooks.


(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.

(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.


I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.


*On my Deathbed*

Me: Tell Tac.. *cough*

Wife: What sweetie? Tell who what?!

Me: Tell Taco Bell their cheese to lettuce ratio is way off..