doctor: do you have any questions?
me: would a lucky talisman made of eggs be called an omulette?
doctor: i meant about your antidepressants
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
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No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
“please human with me” – bear
All those guys who refuse to marry their girlfriends until everybody has the right to marry must be shitting their pants.
I want to apologize to everyone ive ever told “im going to bed” and then continued tweeting, i wasnt lying to you i was lying to myself
I’d rather be with a man who blows his load too soon rather than starts singing too soon in a song. How embarrassing for both of us.
[at a funeral]
What happens to his leftover meds?
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.