ME: You have a beautiful home.

HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.

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doctor: do you have any questions?
me: would a lucky talisman made of eggs be called an omulette?
doctor: i meant about your antidepressants


No matter how prepared you think you are,

a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.


Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.


All those guys who refuse to marry their girlfriends until everybody has the right to marry must be shitting their pants.


I want to apologize to everyone ive ever told “im going to bed” and then continued tweeting, i wasnt lying to you i was lying to myself


I’d rather be with a man who blows his load too soon rather than starts singing too soon in a song. How embarrassing for both of us.


Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?


Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.