@ericsshadow

ME: You have a beautiful home.

HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.

You Might Also Like

@oscarewilde

doctor: do you have any questions?
me: would a lucky talisman made of eggs be called an omulette?
doctor: i meant about your antidepressants

@GoldenSpirals

No matter how prepared you think you are,

a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.

@Try2StopME

Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.

@michaelianblack

All those guys who refuse to marry their girlfriends until everybody has the right to marry must be shitting their pants.

@BullSpear

I want to apologize to everyone ive ever told “im going to bed” and then continued tweeting, i wasnt lying to you i was lying to myself

@kirbys4losers

I’d rather be with a man who blows his load too soon rather than starts singing too soon in a song. How embarrassing for both of us.

@cravin4

Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?

@Iwriteforcats

Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.