ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
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do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
Is….Is this an option?
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
for all #parents out there
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Whisper out to librarians!
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.