ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
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Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
moms in horror movies
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.