ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
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Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.