ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.

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Women’s speed climbing record was smashed. Under 7 seconds. Inhuman.


ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]


I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.


(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT


my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote

me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe


If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.


ME: Hey you haven’t talked to me lately, are you mad at me
FRIEND: No things are just really awful
ME: Oh thank god


*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.


Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”

Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”