[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
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how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
My favorite sport is jumping into conclusions
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
Just tell ISIS we have pizza and when they knock on the door, shoot them
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?