“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
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I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!