Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
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*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
where’s Godzilla when we need him
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
Cats (2019)
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you