a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
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Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
Never forget.
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long