my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
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You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?