@Mr_Kapowski

Me: You have to do what I say cause I’m your Dad

8 y/o daughter: You sure?

Don’t know if she intended the ambiguity but that was savage

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@Browtweaten

Spider 911: Hello

Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily

Spider 911: That’s not an emer-

Spider: We decided to play Twister

Spider 911: Oh no

Spider: *crying* Help us

@robdelaney

Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?

@jonnysun

summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol

winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO

@ADDiane

The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.

@AngryRaccoon2

Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.

Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”

@XplodingUnicorn

9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.

Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.

9: But then you got better?

Me: No. I got spell check.

@lovejulieacafe

When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.

@humanaaron

[tossing a coin into a wishing well]

me: I wish I wasn’t so gullible

@SnarkyMommy78

5: how many numbers do you love me?

Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much

5: aw I love you 24

@Just__J0

Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.