Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
Me: You have to do what I say cause I’m your Dad
8 y/o daughter: You sure?
Don’t know if she intended the ambiguity but that was savage
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Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
[tossing a coin into a wishing well]
me: I wish I wasn’t so gullible
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.