FRIEND: A ton of people were at the party last night
ME: Thats only 14 people given an avg body wt of 136lbs
F: This is why u werent invited
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
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If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
Quickest way to get over someone? 4 wheel drive
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”