Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
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Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
multitasking lunch
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
ok hear me out: Luigiana
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
A friend sent me this.
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble