Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
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Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
Great Canadian literature.
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here