I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
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My alarm is set to the sound of a heart monitor’s flatline so I startle awake every morning and think, “whew. Close call.”
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
How do I rate our solar system?
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
Yelling “shotgun” when getting in a car means a seat in the front. Yelling it before getting on a plane means a seat in the TSA office.
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.