@TweetPotato314

Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out

Wife: yes why

Me: my boss fired me today

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@Dutch_50

I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.

@AmnesiaRose

My alarm is set to the sound of a heart monitor’s flatline so I startle awake every morning and think, “whew. Close call.”

@OctopusCaveman

My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.

@TheAlexNevil

The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.

@SuicideBooth1

Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…

Me: but what should I say?

Brain: ask her if she likes meat…

Me: What?

Brain: c’mon man, do it…

@philmann

Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich

@NakedHangover

Yelling “shotgun” when getting in a car means a seat in the front. Yelling it before getting on a plane means a seat in the TSA office.

@Kendragarden

My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?

@Reverend_Scott

Fun Fact:

Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.