How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
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Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
GOD: Done! Every animal niche perfectly filled
WOODPECKERS: We didn’t get anything
GOD: Oh. Uh…just pound trees with your face
Not trying to be racist or ignorant but…
seriously, all crocodiles and alligators look alike.
This is savage.
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver