@simoncholland

Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.

Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.

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@WilliamRodgers

How to become a Saint

1: Become Catholic

2: Live an exemplary and pious life

3: Perform at least two miracles

Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby

@kerouac741

Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar

@meganamram

party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which

@NicestHippo

GOD: Done! Every animal niche perfectly filled

WOODPECKERS: We didn’t get anything

GOD: Oh. Uh…just pound trees with your face

@Mikecanrant

Not trying to be racist or ignorant but…

seriously, all crocodiles and alligators look alike.

@squirrel74wkgn

Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*

Wife: So…what do you think?

Me: I asked for an iPhone

@krakkenlackin

“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance

@edfoxcomedy

“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers

@BigBec43

Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver