Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
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I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
the three branches of government
Never forget.
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.