@BoogTweets

Me: You know that prank where you put dog poop in a bag and set the persons house on fire?

Her: You mean set the bag on fire

Me:

[sirens]

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@KagroX

The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.

@ElgatoEsmio

Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.

What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.

@Brianhopecomedy

My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.

@ReelQuinn

Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog

@zachreinert03

One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos

@Elizasoul80

I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.

@Harbinger_one

Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks

@MUMSIEesq

[DOCTOR’S WAITING ROOM]
CUTE GUY: hi
ME: how many disease boxes did you check?