Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
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I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
my mind
You just read my mind
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
A bold strategy
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
Does anything good ever escape from a lab