The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
Me: You know that prank where you put dog poop in a bag and set the persons house on fire?
Her: You mean set the bag on fire
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Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
[DOCTOR’S WAITING ROOM]
CUTE GUY: hi
ME: how many disease boxes did you check?