Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
You Might Also Like
Happy weekend !
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
#milo
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”