me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
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Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
How animals would run if they were human
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.