me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
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Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
Nice try, NASA
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.