ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*

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I have no time for stupid people

But they sure do have time for me.


DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?


*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*

– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.


The wife just walked out of the store with bags and didn’t notice me standing here. Maybe I need to put 75% off on my T-shirt


3yo: dad.

Me: why aren’t you sleeping?

3yo: I am sleeping.

Me: then why are we talking?

3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.

Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.


If your iPhone gets wet, try putting it in a bag of dry rice. At night, the rice will attract asians who will fix your electronics for you


My body keeps doing these muscle twitches like it wants me to get off this couch and move around.



[inventor of public restrooms]

What if people were close enough to hold hands while they poop?


“Why does everyone hate me?” I texted with the clicky keyboard sound turned on.