@KalvinMacleod

ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*

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@dafloydsta

I have no time for stupid people

But they sure do have time for me.

@AndrewNadeau0

DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?

@golubeerji

*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*

– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.

@jeffswarens

The wife just walked out of the store with bags and didn’t notice me standing here. Maybe I need to put 75% off on my T-shirt

@daddydoubts

3yo: dad.

Me: why aren’t you sleeping?

3yo: I am sleeping.

Me: then why are we talking?

3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.

Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.

@cervixsmash

If your iPhone gets wet, try putting it in a bag of dry rice. At night, the rice will attract asians who will fix your electronics for you

@AngelaEhh

My body keeps doing these muscle twitches like it wants me to get off this couch and move around.

HAHAHAHA. As if.

@TheMichaelRock

[inventor of public restrooms]

What if people were close enough to hold hands while they poop?

@hazelmotes1

“Why does everyone hate me?” I texted with the clicky keyboard sound turned on.