ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
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8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS