dog lays down on floor
dog graduates college, finds job, gets married and has kids
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
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Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tv
Husband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”