Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
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Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.