Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
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Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
excuse me
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh