I always have a condom in my wallet in case I get invited to parties and there’s not enough balloons for everyone.
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
You Might Also Like
When I see babies who breastfeed crying I know it’s because they don’t have Oreos to go with the milk.
If you ever come home and I’m in your house naked, I’m not stalking you. I just needed to borrow your wine opener, mine broke.
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
*Hands the bouncer my ID with a note on it begging him not to let me in because I want to go home but I’m too scared to tell my friends*
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
i’m laughing very hard in real life
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy