Me: You look amazing with glasses.

Her: OMG thanks

Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.

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I always have a condom in my wallet in case I get invited to parties and there’s not enough balloons for everyone.


When I see babies who breastfeed crying I know it’s because they don’t have Oreos to go with the milk.


If you ever come home and I’m in your house naked, I’m not stalking you. I just needed to borrow your wine opener, mine broke.


ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business


ME: We left the kids at their grandparents

FRIEND: Date night?

ME: No we just don’t like them anymore


*Hands the bouncer my ID with a note on it begging him not to let me in because I want to go home but I’m too scared to tell my friends*


darth vader: i killed three planets

thanos: i killed half the universe

voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times

thanos: a kid, really

darth vader: wow

voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay


Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy