ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
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Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”