ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
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Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
why no one uses midhusbands
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
I think they could have phrased this better
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.