Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
You Might Also Like
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
Just had my nails done!
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”